LOVING the Shadowed SELF
Self-love can feel impossible at times, especially when we really need it. It can feel like a long journey before we understand how to hold deep compassion for ourselves. For some of us, it can feel dark for days and we might not even understand why.
Is it possible to love all of yourself on the days when you’re feeling down? Is it possible to allow yourself TO BE TRULY YOU?
Keep reading for some theoretically simple tips, which work and can help you move towards living more moments as the authentic, unique, and one of a kind gift of joy you are. Also, find out more about what the SHADOW really is. It’s not as dark as you might be thinking, although it can feel like it.
Have you considered self-love and self-compassion as ‘one and the same’?
Sure, it’s easy to feel good about ourselves when we are flying high in life but what about on the days when we are feeling down?
Connecting with gratitude when things are good can feel natural, but what about when we are not feeling well?
Feeling grateful for all the ways things are working out for us is a wonderful practice. Still, sometimes gratitude is a far reach.
This is where compassion comes in. It’s a good practice to talk and treat ourselves as we would our best friends. Imagine if we spoke and treated others like we treat ourselves? Depending on who you are, there is a chance you would not have many friends at all.
Imagine your best friend is feeling down about feeling physically unwell. What would be the best way you could support your bestie? Would you say?
stop feeling sorry for yourself; or
you should feel grateful for all your blessings; or
you have it better than so many
Trivial attempts to help with words often leave the supporter and especially the ‘down feeling friend’ more deflated. And, for many of us, this may be exactly how we talk to ourselves.
When we self-talk as a way to bypass our feelings, it’s all rationalization. These stories we tell ourselves, which might sound good, do very little to help us get back to a centered place.
Sometimes, we even beat ourselves up for not feeling differently than we do. And this common behavior actually takes us even further away from who we truly are.
Now imagine…your bestie is feeling down and doesn’t even know why. Would you say?
hurry up and feel better, you’re no fun this way; or
at least you’re alive; or
I know someone who’s in worse shape than you
No way! We know these things will do nothing for our friend who is already feeling down. Often the more we try to “fix it” the more we are making the problem. Actually, just seeing it as a problem is the problem. There is no problem. We feel down. It’s okay! The sooner we let it be okay, the sooner it shifts back to our natural (not always normal) state of connection and ease.
When we are trying to convince someone to feel differently than the way they feel, we are subconsciously saying '“you are not justified”. And what happens when someone doesn't feel justified in their feelings? They dig in until they feel understood.
When we identify as the separate self, we identify as the ego, the shadowed self which feels separate. And what happens when we feel separate? Everything and everyone becomes a potential threat. Since the ego wants to protect itself, our thoughts begin making up stories. Our stories block the emotions from freely moving through the body. This stagnation, of both breath and energy, begins to warp the way we see ourself and others. From a place of feeling separate, we forget our wholeness. We stay prisoners in our thoughts, captive to the story, until we allow ourselves to feel. To be, we must allow our natural (remember not always normal) heart connection, which requires letting go of the story. To connect to our heart, we must feel. We will continue to dig in deeper with our rationalization until the unloved bits of our shadow feels accepted.
Are we digging our own grave? Perhaps.
The more we suppress, the more we depress. The more we push, the more we are pulled. The more energy we spend resisting, the more we are stuck living as the shadowed self and the darker it becomes. Our imbalances suppress our natural body’s ability to heal and be in a state of ease. Unfelt emotion creates a state of dis-ease. Wow, that’s a powerful statement.
Great news … we can rise from the grave! This is getting fun.
So, instead of trying to change the way your friend (remember we are actually talking about ourselves), let your friend feel exactly the way they do and …
ALLOW: Allowing creates ease. Breathing is allowing. Breathe. Just breathe (we don’t mean pant, we mean relaxed, surrendered breath). Allow your body to fill up - belly, back, chest. The more intense the feelings, the louder the story, the more fear rises … the greater grace will be revealed through breath. The more energy you allow to move freely through you, the more you move towards your true self. This applies to all of life.
BE KIND: There is a reason your friend is feeling down. They aren’t making it up; it feels very real to your friend. They are physically uncomfortable, feeling down (or whatever else is up for them) and it feels like it’s never going to end. This is when you feel with them, not for them. It can be very challenging to be human. Holding space is profoundly effective for bringing clarity. Holding space requires breathing, kindness and patience.
BE THE WITNESS: Witness yourself as you would a friend. Instead of pushing your feelings away, or rationalizing, see yourself as if you were viewing yourself through a looking glass.
You have eery right to feel the way you do … you are free to release the story and feel.
Yes, it’s hard to have a body. Yes, it hurts sometimes. Life can feel rough and beat us up. It can feel overwhelming and we can feel so alone. And it’s okay to feel how you feel.
We have misunderstandings - and all these disconnected parts of us really want, is to be loved. To be loved is to be understood (the opposite of a mis-understanding).
In every moment we have the choice to breathe and let the story go. Letting go of control, and allowing energy to flow, will begin to bring you back into a coherent state without any stories necessary. Your true self is beyond story and when you let go of identifying with the story, you allow the ease of your being.
An essential step toward not identifying as the separate self is becoming the observer.
COMPASSION IN ACTION: Allowing the way we feel and witnessing ourselves, as we would a good friend, looking through ‘Love’s eyes’, can create a little space and a shift in perspective.
Gratitude, appreciation, care and compassion are all effective energies to connect us with our hearts.
In the midst of suffering, care and compassion (very similar in nature) can be a saving grace, even when gratitude may be feeling out of reach at the moment. This type of self-compassion is true self-love; loving all of ourselves, even (especially) the bits that get pushed away and feel separate.
Compassion connects us to our heart. Self-compassion is a path back, from the shadowed self, to center. When we are in a state of heart connection, we don’t feel isolated and alone. Our heart is our home where we feel connected and one with life. We are AMORE.
This practice with ourselves prepares us to be able to sit with our friends, holding space that everything is working out, yet feeling the deep compassion and understanding for the stories and the misunderstanding we have been telling ourselves since the beginning of time. And this inner connection, this dropping into the present Amore together, is what we are really asking for. From this place of inner connection, we can all begin to heal this collective shadow which blocks our true bright colors.
Our ability to surrender through breath, allows our return to heart center. Through feeling compassion (for all, self included our perspective widens into a place of connection. This is where we are in our RIGHT brain (the side where we feel at one).
TAH DAH … We can get to where we really want to be (feeling connected) without resisting any part of our wholeness. Compassion is a key component.
TAKE CARE & BE EASY: What would you do next for a good friend? Compassionately take care of your friend and yourself.
Take a bath, read a book, watch a funny movie and the best one… take a nap.
Sleep can help slow the momentum of our dark thoughts (coming from a place of feeling separate). Everything feels more overwhelming when are tired. Rest can help change our perspective. So can a good laugh. Be ease. Breathe.
Can you hold space in your heart for yourself?
Can you look through the eyes of your true-self (Source’s eyes) and see your perfectly imperfect humanity?
Are you able to let go of identifying with the story?
Are you willing to allow emotion to simply be ‘energy in motion’?
Are willing to breathe?
It’s a daily practice…
DO WHAT FEELS GOOD - DAILY: We are not talking about doing something bad for yourself just because you can. We are talking about doing something soooo good for yourself because you can, something kind. Treat yourself (and that covers others) with the upmost respect. Follow what feels very best in your heart. Practice following your greatest Joy to all your heart’s desire. Inspired action is the best kind! Passion heals. The more we practice the easier it is.
Please reach out to a coach, friend or hotline if you feel you need more than self-kindness to sort things out. Connection is key. I am suggesting skills to connect to ourselves; however, there can be times when we need an outside perspective to help us. An AMORE coach can be a great resource for shifting perspective.
Learn more about heart connection with ‘Science Meets Heart’